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4 of the 10 Mistakes I made that led to the unraveling of my marriage and how I turned things around!

Feb 10, 2022
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Kiri Honey Ltd
4 of the 10 Mistakes I made that led to the unraveling of my marriage and how I turned things around!
19:55
 

Hi, I'm Kiri Honey. I'm a life and relationship coach for mums and host of this wonderful event Falling In Love Again, (Season 1). 

 

I will never forget the Monday morning on March 25 2019, five days after I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression, when my husband came home early from work. It was 10am. My two and a half year old daughter was with friends at a local playgroup called Playcentre, and my four month old son was asleep in his cot. 

 

I was sitting on the couch, folding washing, my husband came up to me with a worried look on his face and said, “I did something”; my heart dropped. I was confused. 

 

“What do you mean? What did you do? You're scaring me.” 

 

He dropped to his knees, and his eyes welled up with tears.

 

“I was with someone else.” 

 

I was shaking, confused, shocked. I could genuinely not comprehend where this had come from, or how it was even possible. How could the love of my life, the father of my kids, the man I have called my best friend, for now over 10 years have done this to me? How could I possibly come back from this? 

 

Now why am I telling you this? 

 

Because this moment, one that many people would consider their biggest fears; changed my life AND my marriage for the better. 

 

Yes, you read that right.

 

I won't pretend that it was easy. It was far from easy….

 

BUT

 

less than 24 hours after this whole thing was exposed, we made a choice. 

 

Together, we made a choice that we will never have this happen again. 

 

We never want to feel so disconnected from each other that we look elsewhere to get our needs met. 

 

We decided on that very day what we wanted our marriage to look like and we moved forward from there. 

 

Two and a half years later, we are now more connected than ever. Even before kids. 

 

We openly and honestly communicate the way we are feeling. We don't always get it right, but who does right? 

 

We are 100% committed to being genuine with each other. We are committed to making it work, no matter what. Through all the highs and all the lows. 

 

It doesn't matter if you've dealt with infidelity in your relationship or not. 

  • If you're struggling
  • If you're feeling disconnected or discouraged

 

You can apply the understanding and the lesson from these mistakes I made to bring back the intimacy, passion and fun in your relationship. 

 

Through my experience, I have identified 10 Big Mistakes I made that led to the unraveling of my marriage. 

 

** Please note that what I'm going to share with you here may be triggering for some people. 

 

I'm going to go ahead and share four of those with you now. 

 

  1. So the first one is “My husband should be there for me, no matter what.”

 

I think this is a common mistake we make because we expect to be able to say and do what we want, you know, within reason. Our partners will just love us anyway. Right? 

 

So here's what I was doing… 

 

I would constantly dump on my husband about all the terrible things happening during the day. 

 

“Our daughter is so hard” Bawling my eyes out emoji. I'm sure you all can relate... 

 

“How are you today, honey?” “Tired?”

 

“Why don't you have a nap”

 

I’d respond with… “I can't nap, I have to… (fill in the blank with whatever you have to do here). 

 

I would never share any of the positive things happening in my days. And there were plenty of them. The negative moments were just the ones that were focused on. 

 

So as a result Laurie had no idea what he was coming home to each day. 

 

If this was you, how do you think you would feel? 

 

I now make a point of texting him about something fun I've done with the kids or about a success I’ve had, or I just message him to say I love him.

 

I am definitely excited to see him when he gets home, not desperate to pass the kids off to him, or angry at him for being later than I was expecting. 

 

I'm actually excited to see him when he gets home. You know, with the odd exception, I am human after all. 

 

What did I do to overcome this belief? 

 

It comes down to awareness and communication. 

 

  1. The second thing that I believed at the time was “what do you know?”

 

So if that idea has ever crossed your mind, listen up! 

 

So I did not listen to my husband, when he tried to help me… 

 

If there's anything we need to know about men, it's that they need to feel like they have a voice and that they can help. They are problem solvers. After all, it is deeply ingrained in their beings to protect us and keep us safe. 

 

So for example; He tried to suggest that I stop breastfeeding, because I always complained about it… he’s trying to offer a genuine solution to a problem. Thinking about previous trauma and not wanting to repeat what had happened previously. 

 

Breastfeeding for me was a pretty traumatic experience. Easier with my son, but a nightmare with my daughter. I was hospitalized for 9 days with mastitis with our first and it was so bad that Laurie thought I was going to die so there was a lot of trauma there for both of us. 

 

I was extremely stubborn. He would also try and offer some alternate options to deal with the four hours of colicky screaming every evening that my dear son liked to do in that first few months of life. 

What I saw at this time was him not trusting me to make the right choices for my baby. I thought… he hasn't been through this before. What does he know? I was stubborn…

 

I was stubborn and insensitive. And in a really, really dark place. 

 

Even though I was crying almost constantly, my body and mind told me that I knew what I had to do no matter what. 

 

In turn what I was really doing was pushing him further and further away. 

 

I wasn't truly seeing the intention of love and how he just wanted to protect me from the pain. 

 

Again, like the last point this belief that I had boils down to awareness. 

 

I would get advice from other mums, friends and other people who maybe I felt listened more without trying to fix it so to speak. But I really was not listening to what my husband had to say. 

 

Now, I'll just add a note here about the fact that I was clearly struggling with postpartum depression at this time. Although I was unaware of it during these challenges, this is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If any of this is resonating with you, please, please, please see your doctor and get help. 

 

There is no need to feel shame or embarrassment. This is a lot more common than you think. So please seek the support you need if you are struggling with this.

 

  1. The belief based on a common phrase of ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life”. 

 

After a lot of reflection through this experience, I realised that I had deep seated ideas that my husband should be doing whatever he could to make me happy. Like it was his job. 

 

Why wasn't he making me happy? 

 

Why doesn't he just do everything I ask? 

 

Doesn't he know that if I'm happy, our life will be happy? 

 

That's a lot of pressure and expectation to throw at someone. Not only that, but during this time, I expected him to make all the decisions around meal planning and I expected him to come home and cook every night. Fun, right? 

 

Now you may be wondering why I expected him to cook. The answer was quite simple… because he enjoyed it. 

Well, maybe he once did. But when something is forced on you, and you're always expected to do something without any appreciation, it kind of takes the fun away…

 

I feel like a bit like a broken record here. But again it comes down to awareness. The concept of happy wife, happy life is great and all (and ultimately, it's actually true…) If you're happy, everyone around you is happy. 

 

BUT this is a big one, and a game changer in terms of your understanding… (also potentially triggering for some..) 

 

The reality is that we find our freedom, joy, passion, and love when we take radical responsibility for our lives

 

It's far from easy, but this is a very important message you need to hear. 

 

>> Your happiness is your responsibility << 

 

I might just say that again >>  your happiness is your responsibility!

 

  1. Intimacy - Just another thing on the to do list. 

 

So the last big mistake I was making that led to the affair was how I was approaching our intimate relationship - Like it was another thing on the to do list. 

 

My husband and I have very different sex drives and needs when it comes to intimacy. So for me, sex was definitely the last on my list of, you know, things to do and something I was never really that excited about? I'd need quite a bit of encouragement, if you will. 

 

Unfortunately, during this time in our relationship, we would be intimate because I felt ‘we had to’ not because I actually wanted to. 

 

I believe that because we were still having sex, that our sex life must have been good… 

 

Boy, was I wrong! 

 

Neither of us were feeling loved. 

 

Neither of us felt excited to be together and enjoy it. 

 

Being intimate was just another job and it wasn't a fun one for either of us. 

 

The biggest shift here comes down to communication, authenticity and awareness. 

 

Being aware of how you want to be loved, and how you show love to others, communicating that and really owning it is another game changer. 

 

Another game changer here was not taking it personally. 

 

It is so easy for us to feel rejection deep down when what we want is not well received by the other party. Right? 

 

But how often are we actually genuinely being rejected because it's us... More often than not, it will be from some sort of physical or circumstantial reason. Like actually being tired or just not being in the mood. 

 

So nowhere in there are you actually rejecting the other person because you don't love them, or because you don't want to be with them. 

 

Here’s a brief recap of what we’ve talked about: 

 

Through my experience, I have identified 10 big mistakes I made that I think could have prevented the unravelling of my relationship with my husband. 

 

  1. The first my husband should be there for me, no matter what. 
  2. What do you know?
  3. Happy wife, happy life
  4. Intimacy, just another thing on the to do list. 

 

So let’s recap what I learned from these first 4 beliefs. 

 

  1. Being aware of our own actions and how that is impacting those around us is so so, so important. 
  2. Communicating openly and honestly and with compassion and love 
  3. Being our true authentic selves. 

 

Note: I feel like this is a statement getting thrown around a bit at the moment. I know that for me two years ago, I had no idea who this person was. What does authentic Kiri Honey look like? 

 

It's crucial to deep dive into figuring out who you are before you can do all this other stuff. 

  1. My favourite learning here was radical responsibility.

 

** Trigger warning: You need to own your shit! 

 

I say that with deep, deep, deep love, appreciation and respect.

 

And please note that I do not mean being responsible for everything. I mean, being aware of your own behaviour, actions, and how they impact your life and relationships. This is so important because the only thing you have any control over is yourself. 

Would you like to get clear on your relationship goals? 

 

Discover what is stopping you from having the relationship you want? 

 

Walk away with next steps to have better communication with your partner in order to rekindle the passionate partnership you desire?

 

Why not book your Free 15-Minute Clarity Call Here

 

Thank you for reading and tuning in. 

 

This session and recording was from Day 1 of my Virtual Event Falling in Love Again (Season 1) from October 2021. 

 

To hear all the sessions and receive lifetime access to recordings and all the free gifts from over 30 Relationship Experts sign up using the link below. 

 

Until then, may your coffee be hot, your family be happy and your relationship be fulfilling and fun. 

 

Sending lots of love, 

 

Kiri

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